You don’t measure love in time. You measure love in transformation. Sometimes the longest connections yield very little growth, while the briefest of encounters change everything. The heart doesn’t wear a watch - it’s timeless. It doesn’t care how long you know someone. It doesn’t care if you had a 40 year anniversary if there is no juice in the connection. What the heart cares about is resonance. Resonance that opens it, resonance that enlivens it, resonance that calls it home. And when it finds it, the transformation begins…
Trying to overcome my emotional unavailability, only to have it consistently thrown back in my face
Two weeks to change my life
I’m laying on my lawn tonight, it’s 3am, and my world feels calm for the first time in a long time. There’s a cat beside me, it must be from next door, but it’s just sitting next to me, keeping me company.
The little things.
It’s all mush
Tonight I feel like I can see the colour of his soul or his smile or whichever it is, because they’re all the same. I feel the colours of everything inside my chest, and there’s probably nothing more beautiful in the entire world. I wonder sometimes if he can still feel that piece of me taking up space in his heart or if he has completely filled it with new memories and removed that piece, removed me. Love lasts a long time though, sometimes I wish it was easier to forget, but it’s really reAlly hard, and I’m laying here feeling all this shit, these colours, remembering his hand squeezing mine, telling me it’s all okay, and I guess that’s nice, like he’s still here beside me, but fact is, he’s not. I wish I could ask him if he remembers what it felt like when we were in the middle of it all, falling head over heals at the same time, completely mutual. That memory is so surreal to me now, and yet so clear.
Long after you’ve forgotten someone’s voice, you can still remember the sound of their happiness or their sadness. You can feel it in your body.
It troubles me that girls have this uncontrollable tendency to give until they have nothing left to give anymore. And worse yet, girls have a tendency to give to just about anyone, with no regard to whether they are receiving even a fraction of what they offer so freely. I suppose I can’t generalize women into one category, but speaking from experience and after watching so many women in my life drain themselves financially, emotionally and even physically for the love of a male, is exhausting and gives me enough unfortunate proof to write this and not feel too sexist. I wish we loved ourselves as effortlessly and unconditionally as we did the people around us. I wish waking up every morning and looking in the mirror and looking inside ourselves was enough to assure eternal contentment within. I wish life wasn’t so much about finding just one person to share everything with, when we are surrounded by such lovely landscape, such a beautiful sunrise, sunset and lessons to learn and teach and fuck life’s good, I wish it was more apparent to me, to all of us.
I’m proud of us
I think the definition of wise is to be able to see the lessons in the bullshit so soon after it happens. I don’t mean to toot my own horn but I have a feeling my parents didn’t think like me. This year has been the most crazy, intense, emotional, influential year of my entire life and I have a feeling I’ll never be able to top it, because of how drastically I’ve changed. 20 years old and speechless at what it feels like to be 20. It’s indescribable. The world crumbles around you and anxiety peaks at the most unexpected times for seemingly the stupidest reasons. But it’s all real, the change, the unknown, the emotions. “The struggle is real” a line so familiar to my generation, and even though it’s used as a sarcastic joke, we all know the truth in the saying. I’m proud of us. I’m proud of me.
I think i’m beautiful,
that’s rare isn’t it?